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Growing up with a family of creatives, I naturally found myself drawn towards the path of art and design. As children, my siblings and I were always encouraged to embrace our imagination and would often turn to arts and crafts for entertainment. From designing our own comics to creating a whole town for our toys out of shoeboxes. The world felt like our playground.

As I got older and left college, I thought the path I chose was fairly straightforward. It’s what I wanted to do and had been influenced to do throughout my life. It should be easy, right? Naively, I seemed to forget about the one thing that always gets in my way.

Me.

When I was younger, I knew my mind worked a little differently to those around me. My mind was always busy. And I mean always. Occupied by at least five different thoughts at any one time, some weighing much heavier than others. It was an uphill battle. Even to this day, my mind still doesn’t seem to know the difference between calling a restaurant to book a table and being chased by a bear. That’s anxiety for you.

The time came for me to go to university and it was a big struggle. Being away from what I knew and who I knew was hard to get used to. You’re sold this expectation. Told it's the ‘best years of your life’, but that wasn’t the case for me, at least not at first.

I struggled to find common ground with any of my housemates and spent a lot of time alone in my room. My only company being the music in my headphones as I attempted to drown out the constant thoughts of doubt. What if I don’t succeed? What if no one likes me? What if I’m not good enough and everyone here is thinking the same? Luckily for me, hope came in the form of friends. Once I was able to build those relationships and change my living situation, this daunting chapter suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

Once I left university, I was lucky enough to get a job fairly quickly working as a Junior Artworker within the promotional merchandise industry. My first step into the ‘real world’. Unfortunately, during this time, I was also trying to navigate through a relationship that I had been struggling with for several years. An exciting new opportunity quickly became an escape from a home that turned hostile.

As years passed, my anxious thoughts were fuelled by certain people around me. It’s one thing to think you’re not good enough, but to be told you’re not… that’s a hard thing to shake. Over time, I lost all confidence and care for myself. My life wasn’t progressing and I was unsuccessfully handling difficult situations. This resulted in my mental health taking a bad turn. I felt drained. Desperately trying to mould myself into being what other people wanted me to be. Struggling to get out of bed or even run a brush through my hair. Every day started to feel like a Groundhog Day nightmare. Waking up with this dark cloud above my head and going to bed still engulfed by its shadow.

After a particularly bad evening, I woke up and knew, enough was enough. I packed my things and finally, after seven years, put that misplaced love back into myself and all those who cared for me. For the first time in a long time, the weight that I carried on my shoulders started to feel a little less heavy. Don’t get me wrong, I still had many ‘Bridget Jones’ moments with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream, but over time the confidence that was once shattered was slowly rebuilding. The Lizzie that was once lost, was finding her way back home.

We Are Fred had been on my radar for years, but it always seemed like an unobtainable goal to me. My anxiety had me convinced that someone like me couldn’t work somewhere like that. If it wasn’t for my friends and family making sure my previous experiences didn’t get into my head, I’m not sure I would’ve had the confidence to apply at all but I went for it.

The day before my birthday, I received the phone call to say I had gotten the job. The best present I could’ve ever asked for. Finally, it felt like this was my time. I spent my life always putting someone else first but, this was it, this was just for me.

In the last year and a half at Fred, I have come leaps and bounds from the person I once was. Within my career, I have learned more than I ever could’ve imagined and finally became the Creative Artworker that I always wanted to be. As a person, I’m now much more open with my anxiety and it hasn’t once been perceived as a weakness. I push my own boundaries and don’t let the negative thoughts win as much as they once did. A true testament to the team around me. The thing with Fred is that the support they give you isn’t just limited to the studio, it’s personal.

Just a few years ago, I was living as a shell of myself and now I’m unapologetically embracing who I am, quirks and all. No longer trying to fit the mould and instead, breaking it. One thing I have learned is to never let societal pressure make you feel you should be at a certain stage of your life. Surely happiness is what we are all striving for? It doesn’t matter if your journey is different to others. Some are messy and some aren’t, but it’s uniquely yours and you can take back control, even if it feels like you’re not behind the wheel.

I am lucky to have such a great support system around me and life just doesn’t feel as lonely anymore. Finally, I feel like I am living and not just existing. The rain cloud that followed me for so long doesn’t appear as often as it once did. But I now know that on the days it does return, there will always be someone there with me, ready to hold the umbrella.

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